well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
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Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
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The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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