The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Four minutes until I can fart!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
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She's like a pop up book from hell.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
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Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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