So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
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I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
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She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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