I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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