If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
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I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
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I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize