I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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