New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
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Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
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I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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