The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
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How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
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Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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