afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
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She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
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Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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