i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize