Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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