The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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