That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
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Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
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I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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