I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
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I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
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All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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