my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize