i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
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