thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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