i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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