Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
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How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
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When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I forget how to act sober
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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