I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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