Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
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I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
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I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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