How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
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You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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