God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
This is not my ceiling
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
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He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
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I need to wash the frat house off of me
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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