John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
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She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
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I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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