I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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