tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
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she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
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I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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