you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
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Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
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I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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