just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
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Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
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I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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