Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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