She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
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Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
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I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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