You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
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Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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