Please, let me fuck your mom
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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