'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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