theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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