all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
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I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
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My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize