i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
fuck your aforementioned shoe
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
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You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
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I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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