he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize