i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize