I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
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No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
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I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
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Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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