i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize