Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
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Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
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I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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