Kareoke will never be a sober sport
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
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I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
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He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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