He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
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