god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
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didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
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Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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