Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize