watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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