I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
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The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
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Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Oh god it's open bar.
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