$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
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I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
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If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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