Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
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Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
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Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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