Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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